I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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