woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
