you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
