ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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