I think my vagina is haunted
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
