What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
