The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
