did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
