I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
