if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
