I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
