my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
