Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I queefed so loud it echoed.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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