I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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