I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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