I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
