Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
