I wish my penis had an off switch
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Michael Bay diarrhea
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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