There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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