Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
