While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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