I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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