If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
