i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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