I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
