I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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