It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Randomize
