I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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