Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
