How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize
