Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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