Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
