I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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