i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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