When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
