So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
