i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
