Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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