He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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