Pants 0. Shit 1.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
