The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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