he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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