the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
