I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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