my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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