dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
