She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
