it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
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