I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
