This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
A bitchslap is in order.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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