the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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