guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
