I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I can text with my tongue
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
