I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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