6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
