I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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